I see your point, but at this juncture I don't think I could do any worse :D
There's another timeless saying that says be careful of the person who has nothing to lose. Well, I don't have much to lose to go for newer better things, or for a company/sports team/person who is at the bottom rung of the ladder, there is no where to go but upward.
But this is not to say I'm doing poorly or am at the least bit unhappy. I am in fact, very happy, I'm happy I moved out, I'm happy you and mom are happy, I'm happy my brother is doing well and having a great time with life, I'm happy your house looks beautiful with new windows and a spacious back yard, and most importantly, I'm happy you're retiring in the near future.
I've always believed in the things I can do and the things I can learn to do, but I think what outweighed my belief in myself lurked the fear of making both you and mom upset with my failures. As in basketball, tennis, baseball, math, school, anything my biggest motivation for doing something was seeking the approval of both you and mom, which is wrong, because I should've been doing those things for myself. Because ultimately it made me fear competing, and though it's backwards, I would rather shut down and do nothing than to try to do anything and fail at it. I've tried explaining this to you guys but I think you guys don't believe me, probably because it just doesn't make much sense. Haha.
Take for example that letter I wrote in elementary school and said I liked my friends more than my family and mom was disturbed by it even until I was 25 as if that letter had some great significance. And in my opinion, I think it's a little crazy for you guys to think all these years that I didn't love you and the root of it being based on that elementary school letter.
I know this all seems like a big tangent, but it's all related. It may seem crazy to you, but as I stated earlier, it was easier and better for me to just do nothing than to try and fail because I loved you guys so much and I think I just never got over or grew into the fact that I was supposed to be doing things to better myself as opposed to doing things to make you happy.
But back to the point, I can't give you empirical evidence to back up my claim when I say "I believe I'll achieve great things in the future." There is no crystal ball in the real world, and there is no degree from any university or any position in any workplace that guarantees success or stability. And to this, you will say, "son, you can increase your probability of achieving success and a good future" if I just calculate the inverse quotient of [(Job x credit score)^n / (projected lifetime in months)] - (2 years salary for emergency money) = X.
X is the answer, and X worked for you. X is allowing you to retire after close to 40 years of commuting to San Onofre from Fullerton every day. X is going to allow you to enjoy your days of retirement; But I know that you're even worried what you're going to be doing when there's nothing to do. After all the hard work you put in, I think the hardest thing you'll have to learn to do is a thing called nothing. What you've left to guide me is a most valuable asset this juncture you have to try your best to do nothing and relax (and it will be hard, spending all that time alone, teaching Mom *gasp* "the internet" and "the iPod."
I, on the other hand, will have to get up off my ass and do some work and actually not play so many video games, rather than just fake "not playing video games" by "alt + tabbing" the computer screen when you did your "fresh air deliveries" as you would knock rapidly at the door to my room, burst through it and make a B-line straight to the window to crack it open as if there was some sort of Chinese Dad record to break for "speed at which to ominously peer over supposedly studying child's shoulder." Don't worry, I will employ similar tactics when I have children, though I would probably just be logged into their computers via remote desktop and take control of their webcam, maybe I'll even interrupt their Facebook wall conversations by posting my own message like, "DIR (dinner is ready) <3 DAD," and things that would be even slightly more embarrassing.
It's a smorgasbord of irony between you and me, who have always looked at each other from across the battlefield standing at opposite ends of a civil war divided by a generation gap, or two. I'm 27 with youth on my side and a forecast of unknowns. You're Old, bald, and handsome with the experience of having conquered the world--quite literally with your hikes through raising two sons, a happy family, maintaining an epically stable job and treks that took you through The Grand Canyon and the top of Machu Picchu. I'm headed towards the road from which you came and will cherish the numerous resting areas you've left for me to stop and think while I let the haze dissipate and makes way for clearer skies. But like every young warrior, our paths can never be exact because the world we live in is very different. Even today we still use Sun Tzu's philosophies in war, but you will never see our modern military in "tortoise formation" waving their spears at a squadron of F-18 (unless those guys in "tortoise formation" are Vatican Assassin Warlocks).
And you, I know it will be hard to break the habit that 40 years of tireless diligence, discipline and mental fortitude and immerse yourself in your looming new retired lifestyle. But you'll get used to it, and you'll revert back to your days as a childhood prankster who was a carefree stunt-riding Chinese cowboy who protected his sisters with slingshots and toy guns from the dudes trying to get them, and I know that you'll begin to remember the exhilaration of the unknown, when you could take risks without fear or calculating the possible consequences. I know, because I too am guilty of being too calculating sometimes, but I know that cherishing every day that passes by should be held with the same regard and importance as the years that lie ahead of us, it's all about balance, we can't always live for the thrill of now, but we also can't live as though we're fearful of the future. I agree when you say, "be prepared for the unexpected," but we also cannot spend all our time preparing for something that may not ever happen, because otherwise we would've spent too much time preparing, and not enough time living.
Back to the original question of what makes me feel as though I will accomplish great things within the next 5 or 6 years, I have no tangible answer. The only guarantee I can make is that I believe in myself, and I do have to attribute much of this to being moved out of the realm of the "Tiger Mom" and the "Engineer Dad." Because now, unlike any time during my adolescence or my recent foray into adulthood, I'm armed with the confidence that both you and Mom trust and believe in me, and with that being said--I feel invincible.
Thanks for everything Dad,
<3
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